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Memories of an Unaverage Mum on Mothers’ Day

I’m not your ‘average’ mum.

I’m a mother to four children but can only hold one this Mothers’ Day.

I have all the usual rituals of bedtime, teatime and school runs but also have the less-common rituals of lighting candles, visiting memorial trees and writing stars on greetings cards.

I have memories of all my children, but I will only make new memories with one of them.

I can remember all their births. All four were traumatic for their own reasons. Two emergency caesareans and two born sleeping. But they were all born, they were all loved, they ARE all loved.

I remember them all kicking and moving on their scans and the hopes and dreams I had for them all.

I remember three of them moving in my tummy.

For two of them I have memories of their little nappy bums, their gorgeous smiles and the fun of weaning. Oh, weaning was so much fun with my eldest two.

For my wonderful eldest child, I have memories of her first haircut, her first birthday and her first day at school. I never got to have these memories for my youngest three, instead I have memories of what songs were played at their funerals.

This Mothers’ Day I will visit my own mum, I will receive a handmade card from my eldest daughter, and I will visit the tree where two (soon to be three) of my children’s ashes are laid.

I will reflect and I will remember.

I will cry and I will smile.

I’m not an average mum. I’m a mum who has lost.

I’m a mum to Phoebe (aged 5), Ellie (forever 9 months old, lost in 2018), Baby Muir (lost in January 2020) and our little Forest Baby (lost in February 2021).